New Tax Credit to Incentivize Business to ‘Make Profit’ - This parody from Scott Ott wouldn't be so appropriate if our entire capitalist system weren't under such an intense assault from the Marxist DemonRats in DC.
Accountants' Top Ten
David Letterman had his annual Tax Day Top Ten delivered by accountants last night.
Video from YouTube:
Top Ten Things I've Learned From Being An Accountant10. When you know the right people at the post office, it can be April 15 whenever you want (Phil DeFalco)
9. Wite-Out and 7-Up — surprisingly refreshing (Andrew Ross)
8. If you're confused by something on the tax form, just write "Huh?" (John Fodera)
7. You do the taxes; don't let the taxes do you (Richard Koenigsberg)
6. People will pay you a lot of money if you pretend to know how the tax code works (Adele Valenzuela)
5. The only thing more satisfying than getting a client a sizeable refund is the garlic shrimp scampi at Red Lobster (Doug Cohen)
4. Numbers is hard (Andrew Rubin)
3. After completing tax returns for 12 straight hours, your calculator starts talking to you (Sandra Bissell)
2. Always put your clients first... unless you get an offer to go on Letterman (Roger Levenson)
1. Women want me. Men want to be me. (Richard Cohen)
Crocodile Dundee's Tax Audit
This film trailer parody from the Australian show Chaser’s War On Everything cracked me up, especially the special way Crocodile Dundee has of dealing with his tax auditor.
Don Rickles on our DC Rulers...
I have no idea what show this transcript is from; but he has some good zingers.
Charlie Rangel... still alive and still robbing the taxpayers blind. What does that make, six decades of theft? Rangel's the only man with a rent-controlled mansion. He's the guy who writes our tax laws but forgot to pay taxes on $75 grand in rental income! So why isn't he the Treasury Secretary? Rangel runs more scams than a Nigerian Banker.
Barney Frank - he's a better actor than Fred Flintstone. Consider... he and Dodd caused the whole financial meltdown and they're not only not serving time with Bubba and Rodney, they're still heading up the financial system!
You know, if Senator Dodd were any more crooked, you could open wine bottles with him.
Dodd's involved in more shady deals than the Clintons. Even Rangel looks up to him!
Visiting IRS HQ...
Last night, we were watching a NetFlix DVD by the extremely funny and talented ventriloquist, Jeff Dunham, and he had the following short bit about our favorite government agency. As Jeff has said in interviews, he is lucky by being able to say a lot of politically incorrect things through his dummies that wouldn’t be tolerated from a human.
From last night’s Conan show via NewsMax:
Yesterday, one of Obama’s top advisers said that choosing Cabinet members is not like picking American Idol. Yeah, mainly because “American Idol” contestants have paid their taxes.
Selecting a cabinet...
From Jay Leno via NewsMax:
Just a few days after being nominated, New Hampshire Sen. Judd Gregg withdrew as the nominee for commerce secretary. In a statement explaining why he turned it down, he cited “irresolvable conflicts.” So apparently he must have paid his taxes. He just wouldn’t fit in.
From Jay Leno via NewsMax:
Prosecutors have asked a federal judge to send former Washington, D.C., mayor Marion Barry to jail for failing to file tax returns for eighth time in nine years. He hasn’t paid taxes for eight years straight. So it’s either jail or a Cabinet position in the Obama administration. Take your pick.
From Scott Ott - Obama Plan Has Already Boosted IRS Tax Collections
Courtesy of NewsMax:
From Jay Leno:
This week in Washington, President Obama took time out from his busy day to read a book to a group of second graders. It was a fairytale about a Cabinet nominee who once paid all his taxes.
From Craig Ferguson:
Another Obama nominee had tax issues. Which just proves one thing: that while Democrats like raising taxes, they don’t like paying them.
More Cabinet Jokes
Obama is a genius. Whenever he nominates someone, they pay their taxes. He’s found a way to eliminate the deficit — nominate everyone in the country, one person at a time, and they’ll pay their taxes.
Tom Daschle withdrew his name to be in Obama’s Cabinet, due to IRS problems. He said, “I will not be a distraction.” Distraction is Washington talk for “Uh-oh. There’s a lot more crap you don’t know about yet.”
Daschle says his problems with the IRS were unintentional. Of course, they were unintentional — he never intended to get caught.
To Democrats, IRS means, “I’m really sorry.”
Obama has now lost two nominees because of tax trouble. Good luck to the new Health and Human Services nominee — Wesley Snipes.
Former Sen. Tom Daschle form South Dakota had to withdraw because he “forgot” to pay taxes on $150,000. I believe the guy because in South Dakota there are so many distractions.
President Obama is working very hard to get the stimulus passed. He has asked the Senate to cut $50 billion from the plan. He said we no longer would need the $50 billion once everyone in his Cabinet pays his taxes.
Tax Free Cabinet
From last night’s Leno show, via NewsMax.
There was a huge scientific breakthrough today. Researchers say they’re very close to finding someone from Obama’s Cabinet who’s actually paid their taxes. Tom Daschle, who President Obama wants as his secretary of Health and Human Services, apparently did not pay $128,000 in taxes that he owes to the government. Do you realize Obama hasn’t had a Cabinet member with an embarrassing tax problem like this since . . . the last guy they appointed?
Because of a huge budget crisis, California is now going to delay paying tax refunds. To which Tom Daschle said, “That’s why I didn’t pay them in the first place.”
From Andy Borowitz:
Obama Considers Tax on Cabinet
From Scott Ott:
More jokes about the new Treasury Secretary
Anyone who follows politics knows that if this were a GOP nominee, he would have already pulled his name from consideration. Since he is with the party that has no ethical standards, and the media are doing their job of covering for him, he should have smooth sailing into power. In the meantime, he has replaced Wesley Snipes as the new face of idiotic tax moves.
From Scott Ott:
From Jay Leno via NewsMax:
At his confirmation hearing, Attorney General nominee Eric Holder said that as far as he is concerned, waterboarding is torture. And Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner said, “So is paying taxes.”
Geithner didn’t pay federal taxes from 2001 to 2004. He owed $34,000. But to keep his nomination afloat, he paid it this week — plus another $8,000 in interest. So that’s $42,000 the U.S. Treasury made — just like that. You know what Obama should do now? He should appoint Willie Nelson as commerce secretary. What does he owe, $28 million?
Tax Day e-Cards
This company has cards for just about every holiday you can think of, including Tax Day.
Rangel Audio Parody
Rush had this funny parody of Charlie Rangel discussing his tax problems with his new forensic accountant on his Friday show.
If this player doesn't work, you can also get the MP3 file with this direct link.
Future job market?
Neal Boortz had this funny video on how CPAs will find work in the future:
Can anyone be President?
Letterman's annual tax preparer top ten as delivered by ten tax pros:
Top Ten Reasons I Like Being An Accountant
10 "My exciting lifestyle is the envy of all my claims adjuster colleagues" (Arthur Drucker)
9 "I made ten grand doing taxes for Leona Helmsley's dog" (Richard Koenigsberg)
8 "Numbers are my only friends" (Andrew Rubin)
7 "What other job allows you to show up for work in just a suit and tie?" (Lou DeFalco)
6 "Mild-mannered day job protects my true identity: Batman" (William Bregman)
5 "I'm always the first to hear about all the latest calculator innovations" (Steven Goldsteen)
4 "I was a finalist on last season's "Accounting With The Stars"" (Vicki Penino)
3 "When some idiot asks me about a form 8038-G information return for tax-exempt governmental obligation, when they really mean a form 1038-R recovery of overpayment under arbitrage rebate provisions -- that s***'s hilarious!" (Andrew Ross)
2 "If I screw up something, you go to jail, not me!" (Sandra Busell)
1 "I get more tail than George Clooney" (Richard Cohen)
From Craig Ferguson via NewsMax:
It’s tax day! Or as Wesley Snipes calls it, Tuesday.
From Jimmy Kimmel via NewsMax:
Taxes were due today. I don’t like writing the check. I thought we were supposed to be passing the irresponsible spending onto our grandchildren. What happened to that?
From last night's Letterman show via NewsMax:
It’s tax time. I saw this the other day: The United States government takes a third of your money. A third. My God, it’s like being married to Heather Mills.
Always remember that our rulers need our money more than we do…
From last night’s Kimmel show, via NewsMax:
Taxes are due next week. We all hate paying taxes, but without our tax money, many politicians would not be able to afford prostitutes.
Some tax jokes from the late night shows last Friday, via NewsMax.
Just a few days away from tax time. The governor and Mrs. McGreevey had a four way with H&R Block.
The Clintons just released their tax returns. Over the past eight years, they’ve donated over $10 million to charity. When they asked Bill Clinton why he gave so much money to charity, he said, “She’s a really good dancer.”
From Letterman's show last night per the NewsMax recap:
It's tax season. You always gotta be careful. In fact, I always ask my date for a receipt.
Death & Taxes?
Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?
A: When he realizes he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
Wesley Snipes' claim to fame...
It's looking like Willie Nelson is losing his crown as the most famous celebrity tax screw-up; at least according to the Late Show writers.
From their Top Ten Ralph Nader Campaign Promises:
Fund universal health care by making Wesley Snipes pay his taxes.
From the 2/29/08 un-aired "Top Ten Dumb Guy Explanations For Leap Year:"
One of those things that happens every four years like Wesley Snipes paying his taxes.
I wonder if Snipes is scheduled to be on the April 15 show, where tax preparers give the Top Ten.
From last night’s Tonight Show, as quoted by NewsMax:
This week on TV, John McCain said, “No new taxes.” You know who else said that . . . Wesley Snipes.
Bush Revises Stimulus Deal to 'Rebate All of It' - This would be a dream come true for most of us. Unfortunately, it's just another parody by Scott Ott.
Under the terms of the revised measure, the Bush administration will ask Congress to “rebate all of it” and introduce legislation to repeal the 16th amendment to the Constitution, which instituted the federal income tax in 1913.
A Dutchman was explaining the red, white and blue Netherlands flag to an American.
"Our flag is symbolic of our taxes. We get red when we talk about them, white when we get our tax bills, and blue after we pay them."
The American nodded. "It's the same in the USA only we see stars too!"
Courtesy of a recent Crosswalk.com email newsletter.
From The Late Show's Top Ten Signs You're at a Lame New Year's Eve Party:
#4: A minute after midnight, everyone starts doing their taxes
Selling mixed use property
Subject: Exchange QuestionMy wife and I live in the front house. When does the rental back house cease becoming a 1031? Does not receiving rent make it no longer a 1031(for how long)? Is there a statute of limitations for it to qualify as exempt? I don't want to pay a capital gain tax on it when I sell this 2on1 Calif. property.Tx,
This is the kind of thing you really need to be handling with a professional tax advisor to ensure that you are doing things properly.
From your very short description, it sounds like you have what's called a mixed use property; part residential and part rental. For IRS purposes, it is treated the same as two separate properties, with the personal residence portion of interest and property taxes deducted on your Schedule A and the expenses for the rental portion on Schedule E. The actual allocation of joint expenses may not be 50/50 if the two halves of the property are not equal in size and/or value. An experienced tax pro can help you come up with an appropriate allocation between the two halves. The cost basis of the property also needs to be allocated between the personal residence and rental portions, with deprecation claimed on the rental portion, which will reduce its cost basis (aka book value).
In regard to the treatment of a sale of the property, the portion of the sales price that is allocated to your primary residence will be treated as a Section 121 possibly tax free sale, as I have explained on my website.
The portion of the sales price allocated to the rental half will not be eligible for the tax free exclusion, and will need to be set up as a Section 1031 exchange if the taxable gain warrants it.
If I'm reading into your question properly, and you are asking how long it will be until the rental portion of the property can become eligible for the tax free Section 121 treatment, the answer is never, as long as it is being rented. If the tenants leave and you convert the rental part to be an extension of your own primary residence, the clock can start on the personal use test, which is generally two years.
You didn't say how you acquired this current property. As an added twist, if you acquired it via a 1031 exchange, you will have had to own it for at least a full five years prior to its sale in order to be able to utilize the Sec. 121 tax free exclusion. Again, an experienced tax pro can assist you with this rule.
I hope I hit on your situation. Working directly with a professional tax advisor will result in more usable numbers for your precise situation than the generalities I have to use.
A little joke courtesy of Pastor Tim’s Clean Laughs:
When the minister picked up the phone, Special Agent Struzik from the IRS was on the line.
"Hello, is this the minister?"
"Yes, this is."
"I'm calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Shipe. Do you recognize the name?"
"Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?"
"Well, on last year's tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductable contribution to your church. Is this true?"
"Well, I'll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Shipe say he contributed?"
"Twenty five thousand dollars," answered Agent Struzik. "Can you tell me if that amount is true?"
There is a long pause. "I'll tell you what," replied the minister.......
"Call back tomorrow. I'm sure it will be."
Appropriate attire for an IRS audit?
A Visit To The IRS
A man, called to testify at the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. "Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper."
Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. "Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie."
Confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
"Let me tell you a story," replied the rabbi. "A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.'
But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel. The man protested: "What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?"
"No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed."
Petraeus Caves to Dems, Orders Surge of Accountants – Another funny parody from Scott Ott.
Celebrating Tax Day?
From a reader:
Subject: Taxing Day
With all the stuff you've been putting up on taxes, I'm surprised you haven't linked to this site.
That's very funny. I hadn't heard it before.
Being a one-man operation, I do often rely on tips from readers; so thanks for sending me that link.
From Jay Leno on 4/18/07:
There was a scary moment yesterday for Newt Gingrich. At first Newt got worried when he heard the IRS this year was cracking down on cheaters. Then he realized guys who cheat on their taxes, not their wives.
IRS Guys Are Smiling
Funny parody song by the Capitol Steps:
From Letterman on 4/17/07:
"If I seem a little nervous, here’s what it is: it’s tax time. Are you folks a little uncomfortable? And I don’t know, we were supposed to file Friday, supposed to file today – I don’t know when you’re supposed to file. All I know is I don’t want to go to prison. And my accountant – I don’t know if this is the guy to be doing business with, but he says to me, he says, ‘Don’t worry, ‘he says, ‘If there’s an audit and you end up in prison, I’ll treat you to the conjugal visit.’”
From Jay Leno on 4/1707:
I filed [my taxes] online this year. You ever do that? Big mistake. I got so confused I hit the wrong button and sent the IRS some porn. A lot of people asked for extensions this year. Even president bush…you know he got an extension. Because he’s still trying to decide whether or not to write off Alberto Gonzales.